Chapter Text
Kanda has been mistreating Yuu terribly almost their entire life. It started very early.
If Yuu had to describe it, it felt like constantly being punched or stabbed. And Kanda would just sit on top of her, metaphorically hissing shut up, you stupid slu*t even before their puberty truly started.
Because Yuu didn’t really have a body but she very much had needs. And, maybe because she didn’t have a body, she could be anything.
She could take slow, although never did before. She could take dirty. She could take rough. She could take and take so much. And wanted to. She was extremely greedy.
But she wasn’t being given almost anything, and she was so horny!
Horny as a trait, mostly. There was no real sexual tension going on from her part. Their body was hers, but also wasn’t. It did lack some parts that she would enjoy having, after all.
It was still very much Kanda, the man, who wanted to be f*cked in the ass by Allen, to put it in such crude Kanda-like terms. He was just being very shy about it. Because he knew there was something scarily complex to it, as well.
Yuu truly wanted something a little different from it than just the act. Something more subtle, something harder to explain.
And she thought it would never happen.
She was also unhinged and impulsive. And obnoxious. And, overall, just really unfit to show to anyone. Allen made her want to lock him up in a cage and never let him out. But Kanda was too respectful of a man to let her do that.
Thankfully, Allen wanted to be by Kanda’s side entirely out of his own volition.
Yuu and Kanda had never said a word to each other. Never really met, despite coexisting.
And Yuu thought Kanda would never truly let her. Let her take, even if it did somehow happen that Allen topped them.
And they wouldn’t meet, still, for some time.
Which was really a shame. Because Yuu was a genius and Kanda was fantastically dumb. This was mostly about emotional intelligence. But, even in other ways, it was still Yuu who was smarter. And also, more chaotic.
Kanda didn’t really know she existed, he only kept kicking her, and gagging her, and being really awful.
But he never tried to kill her. Instead, he made sure he looked as beautiful as he could, for a man. As elegant. He didn’t allow himself to go too far on beauty care at all, it would feel too shameful to him. But he did allow the shampoos and shower gels and so on that he used not being “manly smell only for real men with gigantic balls”- like.
He just preferred it as well, Yuu knew. She was incredibly feminine, herself. She loved their hair more than anything else and always forced Kanda to brush it if it ever got too unkempt. He always insisted on tying it up in public, but it was alright. It was a good look. She didn’t feel bad about their lack of overt femininity. There was just enough. In their face, as well.
They found themselves attractive. It was a complex sort of appreciation of each other instead of being true vanity. Yuu knew what an attractive man looked like. Kanda knew what an attractive woman looked like. They were that, each to a certain degree.
And it’s always been a bit like that. But Kanda never really truly felt beautiful the way he did with Allen, now.
Yuu and Kanda have always preferred dominant women and men who weren’t coming on too strong. And they were both of those things.
It was Yuu who nearly ruined their first date, trying to whisper to Allen in the cinema. It was also her being overly sensuous about eating. The dango. Despite how clumsy Kanda was about romance, he was always respectful about physical contact, so he wouldn’t let her do more. She had wanted to touch Allen’s thigh so much, during the movie. To whisper dirty things, to bite his ear.
In other words, there was a lot to improve about Kanda Yuu. But none of it was about how Kanda outwardly presented himself. Or about his body.
He was just trying to become a better person, a more functional one. His brain has already decided when Allen became his partner that this was the current main task, and it was going to continue indefinitely.
To Kanda, Yuu mostly presented as intentions, as ideas, as moments of clarity. And also—
He sometimes caught himself saying, or thinking, something very uncharacteristic. Or behaving in a way that made his ears hot.
And he would often get angry at himself for being such a f*cking princess.
He couldn’t even fight it when Neah called him that. He really was an absolute princess. In exactly the way Neah meant it: so incredibly f*cking picky.
“Not like this. Not like that. And be nice to me, even though I can’t be nice to you.” Kanda felt like there was always a part of his subconscious that was kind of like that.
Kanda would be able to find even more reasons why calling him a princess would be very fitting.
And, yes – Yuu had made Kanda aware long ago and he refused to believe her until Neah got too obvious – Neah said this generally because Kanda had never slept with him.
Neah unfortunately noticed that Kanda was into Allen faster than Allen did. And Neah knew that he and Allen were incredibly similar in some ways.
He had made a move on Kanda a couple of times, very assertively, while utilizing that.
But Kanda was not such a base creature. His feelings for Allen were strong and true. He would never sleep with his f*cking cousin just to blow off some steam.
Which Yuu thought really was a shame. Because the idea did kind of have her going. Nonetheless, it would never happen. Kanda would kill her.
With Allen…
Kanda has been showing more and more of how he was as a person, not only accidentally. And it made him only a touch uncomfortable at times, nothing really beyond that.
He also felt like he was learning about himself.
Yuu felt seen. By Allen. He was looking at her. He was liking her.
Allen was… Allen was too perfect. So precious. She couldn’t even look right at him sometimes.
Whenever they would stare head on at Allen, it was nearly always Kanda “fronting”.
One day, in the evening, Allen proposed they could go out for a date soon and he was exceptionally quiet and a little, hmm… intimidated? When he spoke about it.
Kanda took it as a sign that something was going to be different. But he wasn’t worried and just said “sure”, even before Allen mentioned that he was going to pick him up like the first time they went out, if Kanda would be okay with it.
Kanda was, and even had a feeling why Allen wanted that. He only sent him a brief smile and didn’t ask any questions.
Yuu was responsible for that smile. Kanda couldn’t really smile. He only grinned like a maniac. He was a mad dog.
They were both mad. One of the incredibly few things they shared was utter insanity.
He was incredibly unfeeling and brutal, or could be. The same way, yet different, she could be absolutely hysterical and obsessive.
They were a monster, a horror. An abomination. A beautiful failed experiment, it felt like. A very successful one. Like someone has sewn Kanda together from all kinds of parts. And he came out just right, accidentally. Just right, at least, in a certain understanding. A very childish and simplified one. He was very well-balanced, no matter how many flaws he had.
He really was just a person, nothing scary once you looked closer. A very complicated person that understood the human experience a bit too well. As an animal. A mammal.
Yuu and Kanda supported each other to a degree, while hating each other’s guts.
Without Allen around, especially after once having him… Kanda felt like he could get so, so ugly as a person. If such a thing ever happened.
They, Yuu and Kanda, were trying so hard to cooperate only for him, and it started a good while ago already, longeven before the relationship. They were both so incredibly in love with him, and it had happened shamefully fast. By Kanda’s, not Yuu’s, standards.
Allen was always right nearby, keeping Kanda willing to try to better himself, and Kanda was keeping him safe.
In other words, they were extremely codependent. Yuu was seeing it. All four of them seemed incredibly happy about this “symbiosis”, however.
Kanda was doing absolutely all of the thinking and planning. Allen was there mostly to have fun and just care. So that Kanda could be having fun, through him, while sorting out almost everything.
And Allen loved him and cared for him, so whatever Kanda really didn’t want to do, Allen did instead. At times when Kanda just couldn’t do his share, as well.
That was just very generally how it worked. With a few stumbles here and there. A lot of patience, a lot of trial and error. Fantastic, almost fantastical, and seamless.
They were hugging and talking in bed before retiring for the day. Kanda didn’t think the topic of dating would be coming back up in any way for the day, but Allen said, “Kanda… You know, I tried not to think about that too hard, but I kind of… keep wondering about something.”
“Hm?” Kanda responded but didn’t try to look into his face, feeling a bit wary.
Was Allen finally going to ask why Kanda was so f*cking strange?
Kanda wasn’t sure. Why. He just was and always has been.
But no matter how surprising his own behavior was being, even to himself at times, in their relationship, Allen would just never express that.
He only seemed happy. Sometimes worried, sometimes intimidated, sometimes offended. Sometimes fascinated. Sometimes, but less and less, surprised. But happy.
And Kanda, thanks to Allen being so expressive, was seeing exactly what was happening each time he did something wrong. He was cataloguing it.
It was Yuu that was doing that. In the background, idly, judgmentally. Hmph, what a moron. She would just hand Kanda the tools he needed, when he needed them. Like to a child.
Kanda felt like his observations on what to improve were appearing out of thin air, sometimes. But it made sense. Kanda was just cool and smart like that. Heh. He just focused on applying himself to the task, as he was used to doing. The task of improvement that his brain decided was going to be ongoing indefinitely. Kanda was alright with that. He knew it was for Allen.
“How did you even usually behave on a date? You know, with a… with someone who didn’t know you well. I just… can’t believe it was anything like with me, especially that first time we went. Or would you really tell your dates you’ll kill them? I know you’ve only done it that one time and I’m not trying to make a problem out of it, I’m just kind of wondering.” Allen might have not been trying to make a problem out of it, but he was still looking a bit like a petty brat. His look was a touch petulant, even though he was being very sweet and even idly petting Kanda’s thigh.
Kanda snorted.
It was nothing to shy away from talking about. “I was very boring, and I barely spoke. And I was bored. I repeated a lot of things, there would be frequent ‘and you?’, which some people seem to find very annoying. And I said sorry and thank you a lot when I knew I should have and wasn’t too annoyed about it. It was probably obvious whenever I didn’t mean it. Sounds like tons of fun, huh?”
“Yeah, um, that’s— why?”
It was extremely simple. “Because I didn’t know what to say. People don’t talk the way I like to talk. And then sometimes I would feel like I knew a right thing to say, and the response told me it was all wrong, after all.” Kanda moved away to give him a look after that, just kind of unable not to be terrible to himself about this. “The sex usually went just fine, though. If it happened.” It was nothing special to Kanda, most often, but certainly he never got any complaints from either of the sexes. The same went for one night stands.
Allen stared at him for a moment. “That’s… kind of awful.”
“Right?” And Kanda really was on a roll, so… “It’s right up there with the source of my sexual awakening as a co*ck-enjoyer being a drunk old man who kissed me when I was a child.”
Allen froze. He was staring at him in pure horror. “W-what?”
“sh*t. I never bragged about that?” Kanda knew very well that he hadn’t.
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s fine. It was long ago.” Really long.
Kanda didn’t want to talk about it in detail. He kind of did want Allen to just know, though. He felt like it f*cked him up a little bit, so at least maybe it was some sort of explanation. For something. Kanda wasn’t even sure for what exactly, but still. He just felt like Allen should know.
“You know, there is another thing about my dates before… I only realized it recently.”
Yuu has shown him. By forcing him to remember certain things out of the blue. Things he had previously considered unimportant.
“What is it?” Allen still looked a bit worried, but Kanda was sure it was helping that he was not rattled about what he so casually threw into the conversation.
“I think I would mention you too often,” Kanda said.
He smiled a little to himself, getting more comfortable on the pillow as he watched Allen become a bit overcome with emotion.
“Really?”
“Yeah. It wasn’t ever a lot, you know how I am. But I guess it might have made some people feel weird. On a date.” Kanda only even realized it was maybe weird because he and Allen rarely ever mentioned others when they were out and enjoying each other’s company. Or, uh, in and enjoying each other’s company. “I don’t feel weird when we mention someone else, but… I don’t know. I just thought about it.” Kanda shrugged lightly.
Kanda could tell Allen was trying to stop himself. But it didn’t work out. “…What would you say?”
Kanda smirked. “That you’re an idiot.”
Allen sent him a deadpan look. “Yes, I’m sure that came up very naturally.”
“Things like ‘I know an idiot who would really enjoy this’. That sort of thing.” Sometimes in much nicer words, sometimes not necessarily.
“Wow, that’s really terrible.” Allen was looking at him with something in his eyes that Kanda could only describe as pure awe.
“Thanks. I suppose I really do know how to f*ck things up.”
“Luckily, I’m very resilient.”
Allen snorted as he said that but Kanda more than agreed with him. “Yeah, you are.” He smiled.
Allen stared at him for a bit, before he looked away with a light flush. “I was joking.” Half-joking, surely. “You… know that you’re not terrible at all, right? Not really. Not to me. I love you exactly as you are.”
Kanda froze up and he really just— short-circuited for a moment. His heart skipped a beat and his ears quickly started feeling hot.
It was the first time Allen said he loved him.
He soon realized what just happened, himself. It wasn’t hard to tell because he pressed his hand firmly against his mouth, looking at Kanda in panic.
“Hey,” Kanda said, as gently as he could, voice not-so-steady. He reached over to put his hand into Allen’s hair and pulled him in close.
Kanda wasn’t ready to say it back. Allen wasn’t really ready, either. He said it on accident, after all.
But…
Kanda whispered into his hair, “It’s okay, Allen... You know it is. More than okay.” So much more. “We’ll come back to that later, yeah? At a better time.”
“Yeah,” Allen answered him in a small voice, and held him back very tightly.
Normally they would fall asleep with one’s arm around the other or even with Kanda partially on Allen’s chest since he liked sleeping on his back.
But on that night they fell asleep just like that – with Allen hidden in Kanda’s chest. Kanda had asked him twice if he was absolutely sure that he could breathe. He simply insisted he was just perfect and refused to look at Kanda at all.
That was Thursday and they planned their next date for the weekend.
Kanda didn’t have a clue about it yet, but Yuu saw all the signs she needed to know that this was going to be the date she was going to hijack from Kanda. She has been waiting for a good chance.
The impulse, the intention was “it will be this time”, and Kanda only vaguely thought that Allen’s slip-up of a love confession made him so happy that he was going to make sure to be on his top behavior, to make it feel extra special.
